Post by katoninetails on Oct 24, 2007 22:33:37 GMT -6
The following excerpts were taken off of operational police car videos
around the U.S.
#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh.. Did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll! give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
...and the best one..
#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ...... You're right, we don't. ... Sign here."
____________________________________________________
Texans in Heaven
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems.
'They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and Picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.
'They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place.
'Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them!"
The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."
So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello---hold on a minute." When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I am back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there with the Texans."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this ... hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!
____________________________________________________
A Touching Story of Love and Marriage
A very old man lay dying in his bed at death's doorway. He suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
____________________________________________________
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS
DATA SHEET
ANALYSIS
Element: Woman
Symbol:
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg
Occurrence: Found in large quantities in urban areas with trace elements in outlying regions
Physical Properties
1. Surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.
2. Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure if expertly applied.
Chemical Properties
1. Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.
4. Greatly increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
5. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
Common Use
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Can be a very effective cleaning agent.
Tests
1. Pure specimens turn bright pink when found in their natural state.
2. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
Hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other.
____________________________________________________
Why I'm So Tired
Now it all makes sense!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job,
but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the civilian work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City governments
and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
around the U.S.
#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh.. Did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll! give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
...and the best one..
#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ...... You're right, we don't. ... Sign here."
____________________________________________________
Texans in Heaven
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems.
'They're swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of their robes; there's barbecue sauce and Picante sauce all over everything, especially their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots and chasing the sheep; they are wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos.
'They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are watermelon seeds and tortilla chip crumbs all over the place.
'Some of them are walking around with just one wing; and they insist on bringing their horses with them!"
The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."
So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello---hold on a minute." When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I am back. What can I do for you?"
Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there with the Texans."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the Texans?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this ... hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!
____________________________________________________
A Touching Story of Love and Marriage
A very old man lay dying in his bed at death's doorway. He suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
____________________________________________________
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS
DATA SHEET
ANALYSIS
Element: Woman
Symbol:
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg
Occurrence: Found in large quantities in urban areas with trace elements in outlying regions
Physical Properties
1. Surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.
2. Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure if expertly applied.
Chemical Properties
1. Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.
4. Greatly increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
5. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
Common Use
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Can be a very effective cleaning agent.
Tests
1. Pure specimens turn bright pink when found in their natural state.
2. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.
Hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained
at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other.
____________________________________________________
Why I'm So Tired
Now it all makes sense!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job,
but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the civilian work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City governments
and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
