Funny Jokes and Witty statements

[LadyViper]

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?


1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three
kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don' t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

5.Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an
accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
And remember we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak.

[LadyViper]

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 an! gels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't bo! il a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toil! et but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I
found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by
a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car
because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law'ssecond husband's cousin's beautician!


Have a wonderful day

[LadyViper]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of the story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull$#** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[LadyViper]

Can you read these right the first time?
> >>
> >>
> >> 1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
> >>
> >>
> >> 2) The farm was used to produce produce.
> >>
> >>
> >> 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
> >>
> >>
> >> 4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
> >>
> >>
> >> 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
> >>
> >>
> >> 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
> >>
> >>
> >> 7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
> >> present the present.
> >>
> >>
> >> 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
> >>
> >>
> >> 9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
> >>
> >>
> >> 10) I did not object to the object.
> >>
> >>
> >> 11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
> >>
> >>
> >> 12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
> >>
> >>
> >> 13) They were too close to the door to close it.
> >>
> >>
> >> 14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
> >>
> >>
> >> 15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
> >>
> >>
> >> 17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
> >>
> >>
> >> 19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
> >>
> >>
> >> 20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
> >> eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
> >> English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France.
> >> Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
> >> We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
> >> that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig
> >> is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
> >>
> >> And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
> >> groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
> >> the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
> >> One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
> >> not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
> >> but one of them, what do you call it?
> >>
> >> If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
> >> vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
> >> English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
> >> insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
> >> recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
> >> feet that smell?
> >>
> >> How can a slim chance and a fat chance be
> >> the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to
> >> marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn
> >> up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
> >> in which an alarm goes off by going on.
> >>
> >> English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
> >> creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
> >> That is w hy, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
> >> lights are out, they are invisible.
> >>
> >> PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
> >>
> >> You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
> >>
> >> There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
> >> two-letter word, and that is "UP."
> >>
> >> It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
> >> list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a
> >> meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the
> >> officers UP for election and why is it UP to the
> >> secretary to write UP a report ?
> >>
> >> We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP
> >> the silver; warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP
> >> the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little
> >> word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for
> >> tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one
> >> thing but to be dressed UP is special.
> >>
> >> And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is
> >> stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
> >> night.
> >>
> >> We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the
> >> proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized
> >> dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about
> >> thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a
> >> list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time,
> >> but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When
> >> it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out
> >> we say it is clearing UP.
> >>
> >> When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
> >>
> >> When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
> >>
> >> We could go on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so... Time
> >> to shut UP.!

[LadyViper]

Subject: White House Fence



Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in

D.C. ... one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third,

Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.



The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,

then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job

will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit

for me.'



The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,

I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100

profit for me.'



The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the

White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'



The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other

guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'



The New Jersey contractor whispers back, '$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you,

and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.'



'Done!' replies the government official.